Anti-Weed Mascot Skating Platypus Archer
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Early depiction of SCP-XXXX.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation webcrawler DARE/OS is to scan prominent news outlets for reports of homicides similar to those caused by SCP-XXXX. Witnesses of SCP-XXXX manifestations are to be interviewed and administered Class-B amnestics.

Active SCP-XXXX manifestations are to be met by MTF-Omicron-4 ("Go To Hell Before You Die") who are to utilize gas grenades to encourage the demanifestation of SCP-XXXX. Images and video-footage of SCP-XXXX are to be immediately removed and replaced with a Class-B visual amnestic.

Foundation agents planted within state governments are to actively suppress the legalization of marijuana for recreational use.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a bipedal organism superficially resembling a common platypus without front legs that is capable of speaking semi-coherent English. In place of upper body limbs, SCP-XXXX utilizes mild telekinetic abilities to manipulate objects. SCP-XXXX possesses a wooden longbow, several arrows, and 1300-era wooden skates. These skates have been shown to frictionlessly glide along all surfaces at speeds of approximately 50 kph. Recent manifestations of SCP-XXXX have shown it wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses.

SCP-XXXX will manifest in a large burst of incandescent flames near the location of individual(s) recreationally smoking marijuana in the United States1, and will proceed towards the location of the individuals. SCP-XXXX will then levitate its longbow and arrows and begin to fire at the marijuana users. Individuals hit by SCP-XXXX's arrows have experienced immediate combustion, reaching temperatures of up to 982°C. This combustion will not cause damage to any nearby objects. During this time, SCP-XXXX will make attempts to dissuade individuals from continuing to use marijuana through pop culture references and attempts at relatable humor.

Once all offending individuals have been terminated, SCP-XXXX will leave the scene and demanifest in a similar fashion to its manifestation.

Addendum XXXX-1: Early documentation suggests that SCP-XXXX was active during the early 14th century, during which it's anomalous effects were dependent on the recreational use of opium, and was mainly present in current-day Europe. Recovered documents show that SCP-XXXX was thaumaturgically contained by N-GoI-006 ("Demonic Acolyte Resistance Enforcement")2 in 1387 after terminating roughly 400 individuals. SCP-XXXX activity resumed on 11/6/2012 and is currently attributed to 254 recorded deaths.

Addendum XXXX-2: After multiple failed attempts to purposefully cause a manifestation of SCP-XXXX by encouraging marijuana use within D-Class ranks, SCP-XXXX successfully manifested at Site-15 and was interviewed for the first time, with attempts being made to capture the entity for long-term containment.

INTERVIEW LOG


Interviewed: SCP-XXXX

Interviewer: Researcher Charlotte Mehr

Foreword: Mehr was instructed to buy as much time as possible until proper containment could be implemented.


[BEGIN LOG]

Mehr: Hello?

SCP-XXXX: (Shoots arrow at D-Class.) DAB! DAB! Epic kill! Do you know how many dangerous chemicals are in weed yo? It does more damage than a Golden Scar! DAB! DAB!

Mehr: Excuse me?

SCP-XXXX: Grumpy Cat doesn't do weed, why should you? (Shoots another D-Class.)

Mehr: Wait, what do you mean by that?

SCP-XXXX: Listen, gamer girl, you gotta get with the times. I did, and I'm way more successful now. Look how much I'm appealing to the kids now! (Shoots another D-Class.)

Mehr: So are you just referencing things?

SCP-XXXX: Yeah you noob, why you all up in my grill? DAB! DAB!

Mehr: Well, what makes you think that doing this is helping anyone?

SCP-XXXX: Girl gamer, this is super helpful. When I was thrown back into hell by those not-so-epic trolls, I really thought to myself how I could improve my job. And I found the way and became an epic guy like Chuck Norris, who ALSO DOESN'T DO WEED! (Shoots another D-Class.) So I start learning how all the kiddos act, and then I rode the Nyan Cat down The River Styx and got back in the game like a boss! (To fleeing D-Class.) HEY YOU! Quit chilling in Weed-ar Rapids! (Shoots D-Class.) DAB! Man, I wish I had arms, that would make this a lot easier!

Mehr: Uh, you aren't giving these people the opportunities to improve their habits if you just kill them. How are they supposed to stop smoking if th-

SCP-XXXX: They won't though ecks-dee, they will keep uh, bottle flipping? Wait no, uh… they'll just keep yeeting the weeds into their mouths! Yeah! No matter what you do! I just gotta teach them to say no in Hell at least!

Mehr: But you, you aren't really acting cool. How about you just calm d-

SCP-XXXX: Me? Not cool?

Mehr: (Pause.) Yes, why do you think you're acting cool?

SCP-XXXX: Well I- uh, I just am.

Mehr: You don't seem very cool to me personally.

SCP-XXXX: What? I'm cooler than you for sure! Your mama is so not cool, she- uh, she’s the Sun!

Mehr: That wasn't very funny.

SCP-XXXX: You mad bro? (Shoots another D-Class.) Your mama so fat, s-

(On-Site MTF reaches SCP-XXXX and attempts to incapacitate it with nerve gas. Mehr retreats.)

SCP-XXXX: That wasn't very cash money of you.

(SCP-XXXX fires at a canister of nerve gas held by an MTF member, killing him and severely injuring several others. SCP-XXXX fires at several other canisters until the entire squadron is either terminated or incapacitated before turning to face a wall-mounted security camera.)

SCP-XXXX: (Spontaneously manifests a second pair of sunglasses, which rest above the preexisting pair on SCP-XXXX's eyes.) Deal with it.

(SCP-XXXX demanifests.)

[END LOG]


Article Name: Medieval Anti-Weed Skating Platypus Archer

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bosch,_Hieronymus_-_The_Garden_of_Earthly_Delights,_right_panel_-_Detail_skating_monster_(mid-right).jpg

Tags: _image animal co-authored fire hostile humanoid keter phenomena religious sapient scp sentient telekinetic teleportation uncontained