Lanezoid

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION
DEPARTMENT OF MISCOMMUNICATIONS

Yeah I gotta level with you, we have no clue what the fuck is going on with this one.

—Eli Forkley, Director, DoMc

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Undetermined

Special Containment Procedures: As outlined by Dr. Luigi, SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a Class-IV Brick Containment Oven. All documentation involving SCP-XXXX, including SCP files, Clearance Reports, and Menus, are to be handled solely by the DoMC.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a currently unknown object or entity. As of 21-10-19, efforts to comprehend SCP-XXXX have been unsuccessful, except by Researcher Mario P. Luigi of the Site-λ Research Team, who claims to have a full understanding of SCP-XXXX and its anomalous properties. No amount of Mnestic Therapy or Veritant Dosage has been able to change this, and despite Dr. Luigi attempting on numerous occasions to relay information regarding SCP-XXXX, at this time, it has not been possible to comprehend by any member of staff.

Addendum: Attempt to relay information relating to SCP-XXXX.

[BEGIN LOG]

Luigi: Alright, so, it's a pizza, you know?

Forkley: Mhm.

Luigi: Yeah, round, and, like, pizza-like, yeah?

Forkley: Is there anything wrong with it? Does it have pineapple on it?

Luigi: What? No — okay, it's a cheese pizza, there's nothing on it, cheese and, uh, tomato sauce. Then there's the bread. It has that too.

Forkley: I remember when I first ate pizza, it was a cold December day in 1982, a blizzard trapped us inside. My mom — rest her soul — gathered us family all around the kitchen and showed us her famous pizza recipe. Delicious sauce, fine parmasean, spectacular noodles, and meatballs that could kill god. A beautiful time for sure.

Luigi: That's not pizza.

Forkley: Wait, really?

Luigi: Yeah.

Forkley: Was I close?

Luigi: Close enough.

Forkley: Hmmm, (to Facility Guard Sean Parma) that was pizza right?

Parma: I'm sorry what?

Forkley: Pizza.

Parma: Oh. Yeah I like pizza.

Forkley: I like pizza too.

Luigi: Okay, but XXXX, it's a pizza.

Forkley: Huh, neat. Continue.

Luigi: Well, you see, the thing is, this pizza kills you, it makes you die, wham, cappow, chop-chop.

Forkley: So it kills you?

Luigi: Yes, like, dead, like you die.

Forkley: How so?

Luigi: Well, you know how you die and stuff?

Forkley: Yes?

Luigi: It's like that, but it's actually exactly like that and you die.

Forkley: Why though?

Luigi: Ok so, if you get shot in the head, you die right?

Forkley: Most likely yes.

Luigi: Well, think about it like that, but there's no bullet, no gun, but plenty of dying.

Forkley: Hmm, do you have an examples?

Luigi: Most certainly.

(Luigi wheels in several D-Class corpses into Forkley's office on stretchers.)

Forkley: Hmm, it appears those people are dead.

Luigi: Exactly, because it kills you.

Forkley: So it kills you?

Luigi: It kills you.

Forkley: Oh, it kills you.

Luigi: Yeah, it does the kill thing.

Forkley: And it's a pizza?

Luigi: It sure is a pizza.

(Pause.)

Forkley: Ok, explain this to me again but slowly.

Luigi: Alright look… here, let me try some things.

(Dr. Luigi opens his laptop and begins typing. After about a minute, he turns the screen towards Forkley and shows him the contents.)

Luigi: Okay, look at the first line, what does it say?

Forkley: SCP-XXXX is not a pizza that kills you.

Luigi: Eh?

Forkley: So what is it then?

Luigi: Ugh, give me that.

(Luigi types another line into his laptop.)

Forkley: SCP-XXXX is haā bvhel-Bhe ɕoopsyth purjā.

Luigi: Anything?

Forkley: No idea what that means.

Luigi: Christ, okay last try.

(Luigi types another line into his laptop.)

Forkley: SCP-XXXX is [DATA EXPUNGED].

Luigi: I give up.

[12 HOURS OF EXTRANEOUS FOOTAGE REMOVED]