SecureCafeParlor
(✿◕‿◕)♡ Welcome to the Secure Cafe Parlor! 🧹(◕‿◕✿)
The premier SCP Foundation-themed Maid Cafe~!!!
What if there was a café somewhere in Site-19? That’s the idea behind SCP Café, a place built around the cold comforts of the Foundation, reimagined as a series of beautiful memories. Instead of containment, what if everything was a sweet treat? Friendships formed here will last an eternity!
We’re located in ████████, Utah. To find our exact address, you must first book a reservation. No walk-ins, even if you somehow manage to locate the buildings. Reservations are paid in advance, and cancellations are not eligible for refunds.
FAQ
What happens if a maid attacks me?
What happens, happens. Again, no refunds.
Is everything edible?
Most of what we offer is edible. There are exceptions, but we operate under the belief that anything can be edible if you try hard enough.
Who owns this establishment?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don’t know. I just handle the website.
menu
Nothing beats the smokey taste of an Old Fashioned, at least not according to a certain Dr. Clef. That's me. I'm the one writing this. I may be a seasoned liar, but would a liar lie about his vice of choice? Don't answer that, smartass.
Anyway, the Drink Whose Name I Cannot Say Because The Manager Of This Shit Ass Cafe Is A Pain In My Ass — patent pending — consists of the finest whiskey bourbon muddled with bitters, served on the rocks, and garnished with orange peel and zest. What could possibly be better?
As I previously said, nothing.
I call this one "Suicide Ice Water" because you've got to be suicidal to try it. Whether you're heartbroken, angry, depressed, angry and depressed; this drink packs a powerful punch necessary to penetrate whatever icy heart you've got and warm you up unlike any other.
My drink of choice is simple. One generous pour of 192 proof (96% ABV) vodka served over ice.
Enjoy.
One of us has to.
Very few things thrill me anymore. I have not spent my life thrill-seeking, but when you make more in a month than the average nation makes in ten years GDP, thrills seem to find you. Despite that, one drink never fails to captivate me; the one named after me.
The Darkest Blueberry Blood Spritz is made with decadent blueberries from Garden of Eden in Jackson County, Missouri. What can I say, those Latter Day Saints know their blueberries. Anyway, the blueberries are muddled, then added to a mix of lemon and lime. Afterwards, it is topped with club soda. Despite the airs I might give off, I actually hold a fondness for cheap club soda. Don't tell that to Vanity Fair. Finally there's just a dash of gold, that you can trust has been ethically sourced.
Or so, that's I've heard, how am I supposed to verify a claim like that?
What is this? Where am I? Do I even get paid for wearing this? How did you find my apartment?
Oh, you want me to talk about the drink? What is it, matcha? No? I don't know what this is. I don't understand any of this.
So this is… like merchandising off of fascism. Then why am I here? No, I get the drink, but why me? I'm not a marketable yaoi boy. I barely even know what a fujoshi is. I mean I was on roleplay forums back in — I can't talk about that here?
Modernity got you down? Struggling to keep up in the endless rat race? Trying to return to the golden days of years yore? This drink will not help you in that regard, but it sure is delicious. So says I.
Made from freshly picked raspberries, cranberries, and topped with lamb tallow my offering is perfectly sweet concoction to distract you from your luddite ways long enough to proclaim the Lord's name in vain from its refreshing taste alone.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
Served in the drink will be your picture, taken by the restaurant's staff with your permission.
And that's all I drank.
A home video treat has been recreated as an actual edible treat.
[Applause]
Inside, you'll find four nostalgic layers of rich chocolate, crumbled cookies and cream, crackling screaming static, and finally a mysterious red substance. What it is, we'll leave for you to investigate.
Please do not eat Ronald Reagan, for your own safety.
Okay, so, there was something really good here. Unfortunately, it seems someone dropped it before we could take a picture. Worry not, though! We managed to whip up a wily wee replacement quick enough! It all really says something about the nature of the human spirit, you see.
Remnants of broken dreams and glass, served with helpings of needles and nails, all artfully laid on top of what could've been a better, now unidentifiable, dish. Slightly flavored with sweat and tears. Stepped on ironically at one point.
(Apologies to the chef.)
There's nothing I crave quite like an all-meat, vegan unfriendly, salad. Raw flesh, served cold, melting against the tongue in ways that even the most expensive steaks cant.
It's topped generously with rotting blue cheese, harvested exclusively from the sickest of cattle. After all, any decent meal needs a little risk of food poisoning. Maybe even a prion disease, how fun!
But that's just for you. I'm completely immune.
Before the curse, I worked as a farmer. I can't do that anymore, the greenery always wilts. But those leaves have a certain crunch, and I've learned to make use of what I can. Tucked among the bitter herbs and greens, there's a sweet burst of blueberry, just enough to remind you of a time before your greatest sin. Topped with my favorite condiment of choice, mayonnaise.
While God may have preferred my brother's offering, I still am proud of what I have to give.
Start your day off with a mind-bending treat! This dark and rich Secure Cafe Parlor staple is sure to bring a pep to your steps, a zip to your hips, and a full-on para-tactical assault to all five of your brain lobes! Experience a rush of energy and sensations beyond that meant for human senses, all wrapped in our special blend's delectable silky smoothness.
Each serving comes with a special custom Latte configuration hand-designed by experienced coffee anartisans!
Memochas
What people are saying
Marion Wheeler
.....
Das Essen und der Service waren wie immer wunderbar. Leider war das Dessert „Coconut Panna Cotta“ diesmal ein Reinfall. Die karamellisierten Nüsse waren so hart, dass man sie kaum kauen konnte. Auch die Panna Cotta hatte eher die Konsistenz von Mousse oder Pudding statt der typischen cremig-festen Konsistenz. Die Maracujasauce war zudem sehr bitter. Schade, da wir das Essen sonst immer sehr genießen.
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