rockteethmotheyes:copyedit

THIS IS CRITIQUE FOR CROW'S DRAFT FOUND HERE: http://kontainer.djkakt.us/tandava


I'm sure you know my process by now. If I find myself repeating something, I'm not likely to continue commenting on it. Keep that in mind as we go further.


SCP-XXXX is to be kept in the Anomalous Painting and Sculpture Gallery of Site-47.

I'm not entirely sure that this is something you want, mostly because galleries serve to put things on display, and anart on display can be dangerous. Maybe reconsider this.


SCP-XXXX is missing its arms and legs; The cause of this is unknown.

You actually don't need to capitalize "The" here, since it's all part of the same sentence.

The avatar constitutes of a thin covering of light around itself and arms and legs stemming from SCP-XXXX truncated limbs.

This is a little weird to read. If it were me, I'd replace "and arms" with ", as well as arms" to give a short pause.

Once activated, SCP-XXXX will play the message "I have awoken. What is your command?" with a computerized voice.

Given that the next sentence explicitly says that the anomaly will obey any command, I don't think we need this implicit statement before it. You could remove this.

SCP-XXXX stopped at a wall, indicating spatial awareness.

This isn't really a test log, so some rephrasing on this would make it fit a little better in the command list.

SCP-XXXX generates photonic matter barrier.

Squeeze an "a" between "generates" and "photonic".


Codename "Tandavam" [3/XXXX CLEARANCE REQUIRED]

I really have no idea what this is doing here? there isn't any formatting going on with it, so I'm a bit lost.

When the command "Dance" is given, the following exchange must occur:

I feel there is a better way to arrange this call and response format. It's probably fine, but I feel that rather than activator, it should be "Response" or something. I realize it's nitpicky, so ignore me if I'm being dumb.

108 kilorhines1.

I'm of the opinion that footnotes look better outside of the sentence, after punctuation.

Sometimes, mudras are used

I have no idea what a mudra is. Typically, I wouldn't comment on something like this and just assume what it is, but a footnote might be helpful here.

its avatars hands.

Apostrophe in "avatars" to indicate possession.

The effects of this include, resistance to injury

You don't need this comma.

resistance to injury, states of heightened consciousness.

You can replace this comma with "and".


Addendum 1-XXXX:

You'll want to put this in bold.

Oh, I feel it! I feel the cosmos!

Heh.

I have tried to achieve permanence, to preserve myself and the universe for all time, and I have been denied.

I believe you intended for this to be in a quote block.



So, I think I like this. There's a lot of great imagery going on here and some very evocative phrasing in the journal. However, the connection to the journal from the statue is vague. I'm not sure whether this person made the avatar or is the avatar, and it's really the only large complaint I have about the piece.

This could be a solid upvote if there was just a clearer indication of the journal's significance. I'm still learning more towards an upvote, but I'm hesitant to do so.

Good luck.