The BBC would Like to Apologize
rating: 0+x

 

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: The former Site Director's office has been converted into SCP-XXXX's containment chamber. No further physical form of containment is necessary at the given moment.

Due to the nature of SCP-XXXX, Site-334 is currently allowed two Site directors by O5 order. The non-anomalous Site Director is allowed to overturn any decisions made by SCP-XXXX, and is to do so should SCP-XXXX make any official decision regarding Site management. All documents written or forwarded by SCP-XXXX are to be recorded for posterity.

As Site Director, the Kutta-Fehlberg Labor Directive entitles SCP-XXXX to a yearly salary of $90,000, to be spent through approved Foundation channels for as long as SCP-XXXX is employed by the Foundation, along with enrollment in the Foundation's HMO/PPO health plans and the option to start a retirement account. Every 2 years, SCP-XXXX is required to undergo a 3-hour ethics seminar.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a stick of celery. Despite this, SCP-XXXX is one of the two current Site Directors of Site-334. The nameplate for SCP-XXXX's office identifies it as "B. B. Celery". As of 23/09/2012, SCP-XXXX shows no signs of decay consistent with 27 years of age. SCP-XXXX is incapable of movement or speech. SCP-XXXX is supposedly sapient.

All individuals aware of SCP-XXXX and Site-334's existence will identify SCP-XXXX as one of Site-334's directors. Subjects can still note the anomalous nature of the situation, but despite this, subjects will interact with SCP-XXXX as if it were a non-anomalous Site Director. Notably, this effect occurs regardless of a subject's familiarity with the Foundation's employment structure.

Despite SCP-XXXX's supposed lack of limbs or sensory organs, SCP-XXXX maintains an active presence on the Foundation Intranet; however, SCP-XXXX typically limits itself to writing memos and placing orders for bobbleheads depicting professional athlete LeBron James.

Addendum [XXXX-009]: Excerpt of memos made by SCP-XXXX

DIRECTOR CELERY WOULD LIKE EVERYONE TO NOTE THAT TOMORROW IS EAT YOUR VEGETABLES DAY. YOU MAY TAKE THE DAY OFF.

DIRECTOR CELERY WOULD ASK THAT CONTAINMENT SPECIALIST MASOUD FIND A WAY TO CUT DOWN ON SCP-████'S1 NOISE PRODUCTION.

DIRECTOR CELERY WOULD VERY MUCH APPRECIATE IT IF DIRECTOR ISA WOULD STOP OVERTURNING HIS REQUESTS.

DIRECTOR CELERY WISHES EVERYONE (EXCEPT DIRECTOR ISA >:[ ) A HAPPY SUPERBOWL SUNDAY2.

[This memo consists of a photo of Director Isa making an unflattering face as they eat a lobster roll. Director Isa is fatally allergic to shellfish.]

[This memo consists of a photorealistic illustration of SCP-XXXX facing away from Director Isa. It contains a minor cognitohazard, wherein individuals who view it will inevitably conclude that SCP-XXXX is farting in Director Isa's face, and has thus been classified as AO-XXXX-1.]

DIRECTOR CELERY IS VERY LONELY AND WOULD LIKE IT IF MORE PEOPLE WERE HIS FRIEND.

Addendum [XXXX-011]
Following accusations of professional misconduct levied by ████████ ███ and an Ethics Committee review, SCP-XXXX's employment with the Foundation has been terminated. However, due to the nature of SCP-XXXX, SCP-XXXX is still one of Site-334's directors.